Sailing with Charlie: Santa’s Caribbean Christmas

Drinks are on me, everyone. Ho ho ho, He he he… Merry, merry…

Santa is with all the elves and reindeer having their pre-Christmas meeting, “This year is going to be the most challenging ever,” he says, “All the igloos where you reindeer sleep are melting, the elves’ dormitory is collapsing because the ice is turning to slush. This global warming is bad news… By next year we may all be out of work.”  

“Rudolph piped up, “Well, we run on reindeer energy so we pollute nothing, even though we travel faster than Christmas tree lights.”

“No beans and no beer – and that means everybody,” says Santa, “Methane farts are destroying the Ozone layer – We have to set an example. This year all the presents will be wrapped in bio-degradable material – no plastic – AND no plastic water bottles. Where’s Upatree?”

Shinny Upatree was snoozing, “Shinny, I want you to build the everlasting water bottle, like last year, and attach it to the sleigh.” Just then Sneezy, who had been furloughed by Snow White and had been hired as a ‘temp’ by Santa let go a huge sneeze. 

“Sneezy, you are in charge of making 500 million masks. Every present will have a mask in the package. As soon as we set off on Christmas Eve everyone will wear a mask – no exceptions.” Bushy Evergreen is given the responsibility for loading the magic toymaking machine.

Graphics by Anouk Sylvestre
Graphics by Anouk Sylvestre

Fast Forward: Christmas Eve…

“Everyone ready,” cries Santa, “First stop, the Caribbean – I need the sun and a Painkiller.” 

“How are we going to deal with social distancing when we deliver the presents,” says Mary Sugarplum, who is along as a helper. Her job had been to assist Pepper Mintz in the sweet making department and now, here she is with Santa on the sleigh. She is so excited.  

“We’re going to drop the presents by parachute. This will be especially helpful for delivery to yachts. It’ll be one big parcel with presents for the whole family. It’s the new way, the Covid way,” explains Santa. 

Fast Forward: Day After Christmas…

Santa is sitting on a reclining chair at the beach. Just back from his world flight he’s exhausted, but now he’s finally relaxing with his second Painkiller. The yachts are swinging at anchor in the crystal-clear turquoise water. He’s shed his red pants and tunic and is wearing red shorts. He’s surrounded by pretty bikini clad beauties – Santa is world famous of course. 

Zillions of girls want selfies with Santa and Rudolph the Red-Nosed reindeer photobombs whenever he gets the chance. The other reindeers are playing in the water, some have noodles, others doughnuts. They’re having well-deserved fun; Mary Sugarplum is snorkeling. 

Santa opens his laptop and to his surprise he has a hundred plus e-mails. He opens and reads some. Fled Ex is one; then there’s one from Midnight Express and another from GIN (Get it Now). They are all express delivery services and they’re offering him jobs. There is one special offer – the pay is great and his whole team would be part of the contract. A private island would be provided for his toy factory…

Santa calls to a passing waitress. ‘Drinks are on me, everyone. Ho ho ho, He he he… Merry, merry…”

Julian_Putley
Julian Putley is the author of ‘The Drinking Man’s Guide to the BVI’, ‘Sunfun Calypso’, and ‘Sunfun Gospel’.