Confession: I have an Apple Watch. Worse, it’s an Ultra 2. What’s that mean? That means that I’m morally superior to Ultra 1 owners and, frankly, that I find older, dumber watch owners running Watch OS 10 beneath my contempt.
Seriously, they’re like short people… they have no freak’n reason to live!
That’s right—the AppleSphere is a very, very mean place. But, hey, that’s part of the joy of being able to afford one of these status-gizmos-on-steroids, from which you can ask Google ‘how to solve world hunger’ and then laugh and laugh.
I, personally, laughed when told that my watch was totally ‘carbon-neutral’ during Apple’s Annual Self-Love Fest—even its two-hundred-dollar cotton band helps to reverse climate change.
Am I saving the world, or what!
…poor folk should applaud as I strut by with my nose in the air!
The Ultra 2 is big. Its screen is so big I could comb my hair in its reflection—well, if I still had hair. The watch is heavy, too. Yes, I had to have my seamstress wife sew up a custom PFD for it, should I both MOB and WOB (Man OverBoard and Watch OverBoard).
Why?
Because I’m a frugal sailor, that’s why! I can quickly figure out discounts—even the ‘steep discounts’ advertised on these pages—on my watch’s calculator. (In case you haven’t noticed, a lot of marine chandleries offer 3% discounts on their 2000-times-marked-up products.) Nice!
Plus, because of my watch’s calendar, I never miss appointments with my… er… my ‘massage therapist.’ This makes her happy-happy!
In addition, you’ll never miss another drug buy, er… er, appointment with your pharmacist either!
There are other advantages to an iWatch, especially for a marine journalist like myself. A lot of people want to kill me because I spew inane articles like this one—well, the literate ones that can read, anyway. Thus, if I’m murdered, the cops will immediately know TOD, Time of Death, before they sell my watch to the hackers who will drain its bank accounts, so my wife will receive no benefit for my existence—not that she ever has thus far.
Yes, I have iSailor on my watch. All I have to do is ‘screen capture’ and my lat/lon position is saved forever… along with, of course, a digital record of my every orgasm. (Of course, I voluntarily share this salacious info with the voyeuristic Apple so they can ‘fund raise’ off it. Donald ain’t the only smart American, there’s Tim Cook too!)
The watch is wonderful for timing yacht race starts. It not only does the ‘time on distance’ bits beautifully, but with proper app integration, it will even reveal the video watching habits of prominent, passionate race committee members—extremely useful data if you’re called Into The Room for a protest hearing.
That’s right—if you’re about to get tossed out of a race for running into a competitor while on port tack—merely because the lucky bastard just happened to be on starboard—looking the chief international judge in the eye and saying under your breath ‘I, too, prefer reverse cowgirl!’ just might change the outcome of the protest!
Of course, my watch is useful for animated learning. I have my knots tied for me digitally, in cyberspace! How cool is that? (Another bonus: no chafe!) Plus, there are animated racing rules! And we haven’t even gotten to the Karma Sutra yet!
The ‘instant translation’ feature is quite useful, especially while cruising in Go-Go Asia. For instance, as I stroll through crowds in Sing-Sing-a-Pour, I have my watch automatically scream, “Make Money or Die! Make Money or Die!” in Mandarin.
…then we all high-five each other.
Far out, eh?
Why be merely greedy when, with the proper watch apps, you can be hyper-greedy!
Let’s face it—Blackberries and other smart phones are passé.
Physical location is no longer important. I can do lots of intimate things (like divorce my wife, stop paying her alimony, even propose matrimony to my mistress… all from my Apple Watch and its Romance-on-the-Go app!
And the Wallet feature is divine. Not only can you board almost any bus or MRT train with just a press of its button; even local hitmen in Bangkok use Apple Pay! If you’re in the slums of Hong Kong and need a new kidney and aren’t particularly concerned about how that kidney was procured (why worry about the past, right?) use your watch!
Recently I was mugged—and, of course, asked my robber if he was using an Apple 9mm or Samsung 38?”
“…a Glock, actually,” the robber replied sadly, then inquired timidly, “This isn’t allowed in the AppleSphere?”
…obviously NOT!
I can’t wait for the AppleCar. Rumors from the Apple campus in California are that it will automatically run Tesla’s into the ditch if you have paid for the ‘F-Elon’ plug-in. (Where did his money go? Well, X marks the spot!)
We use the HOME features a lot to run our bilge pumps and change our Perkins engine’s lube oil. There are lots of uses for an Apple Watch other than just ego-tracking!
In Asia, we old folks are worshipped. I’d write more about this—but I forget the exact details! (For all you young folks snickering—as a young man I knew I was a rotten person but now that I’m old and my memory is fading… Well, every day I have a more virtuous opinion of myself!)
Anyway, my LUMI app constantly asks me about how much I exercise and how much I’ve cut back on sugar, but it can’t tell a ‘white lie’ from a black one. Thus, with a falsehood here and falsehood there, I score points that are then redeemable for healthy products at 7-Eleven stores. These products can hence be traded on the black market for herbs, spices, and various alkie products—far out, dude!
Plus, I get exercise running back and forth between stash houses pulling off these scams—a total win-win for me and my thrilled wife (who, admittedly, has never been exactly showered with presents!)
Now, some folks are worried about AI. Not me.
For instance, I asked ChatGPT to delete any emails asking me for money or wanting me to pay back any money I owed… anyway, I haven’t had a time-wasting email since!
…actually, any email for that matter.
Yes, AI is better and more ego-flattering than a mirror. I ask my iPad almost every day, “Who is the best American writer alive today—and guess whose picture stares back at me?
…yes, quite an ego-boost!
Of course, AI must be trained. For instance, it couldn’t understand why all my really, really good friends were filed, quite descriptively, in the folder GULLIBLE in my contacts.
Of course, I don’t always have time to exercise due to such unexpected developments such as laziness and sloth. Thus, I often have my daughter’s maid ‘run-my-watch up a hill or two’ to keep my stats up. Yes, Apple watches put a premium on exercise—which is why so many too-rich users are seen idly shaking their left arm in the backseat of their limousines.
Yes, there are numerous timers on the watch—you don’t want a poor equatorial maid dying of heat prostration, do you?
I particularly love the international time zone graph with day-and-night sine waves… how else would I know when I’m missing appointments in, say, Africa, Cocos Keeling, or in Madagascar?
I like the audio book feature too. I’ve written a dozen books—one of which got a glowing review in the late ‘70s. I play that review the entire time I’m cycling with my AirPods in. What writer can resist a fan fawning over them with such approval as, “Thanks for making the paper softer in your second book!”
…its things like that that keep a creative artist going!
Yes, it has a special Yachtsman Compass (with Joshua Slocum’s image on the watch face) that not only shows your yacht’s course and its angle of heel; but it remembers where you parked your car in the marina as well.
Damn, that’s convenient!
Not everything functions well. I ride my bike a lot, but the Cycle Tracking feature leaves a lot to be desired. Plus, there’s no way to explain to the app that neither I nor my bike ovulates!
I haven’t even tried the DEPTH feature. Frankly, I prefer to keep the dimensions of my depravity to myself.
My heart rate during the start of a yacht race is extremely fast—too bad about my boat-speed.
My iWatch has a ‘mindful meditation’ feature as well. But, really? I mean, even as old as I am, I can still remember to ogle the chicks!
Did I point out the medication reminder? Of course, if I’d have had that gizmo in the 1960s, I wouldn’t be alive today.
Some days, of course, I get tired of singing my own praises—that’s where podcasts-on-your-wrist come in handy… to hear other yachties singing my praises. (Well, only one podcast so far but, hey, I’m confident the number will grow)!
Yes, the Ultra 2 has a loud siren I can trigger in an instance—which I do if any Evangelicals stumble too close. (I’m not into religion because I obeyed one of the Ten Commands once—and, well, being truthful didn’t work for me!).
Yes, I use the voice memo feature—but not the pedo-centric walkie-talkie feature which is so popular in parks and public bathrooms frequented by the trench coat set.
I haven’t checked out the STOCKS feature because, hey, I don’t need to immobilize anyone’s head and hands. Yes, I’m extremely fond of the sleep app—especially if my wife asks me to take out the garbage. (“I’d love to honey—but my iWatch is in the middle of recording my REM sleep cycle!”)
The revamped Apple weather app is amazing. I get real-time weather updates for suitable ‘windows’ to screw off, go-missing, or get drunk.
There’s no end to the amazement of the new iPhone 15 either. You can have it remind you to insult your spouse every ten minutes—or even more often if the special ‘blonde’ mode is turned on.
There’s even a ‘sextant option’ that allows you—if you raise your wrist to the lower limb of the sun—to adjust the index arm of your virtual Plath and thus determine the old fashion way if you’re at sea or still tied up to the dock.
F’n A, right?
Did I mention the $1,200 life raft app? Amazing! I mean, only Apple could cram a six-man raft inside that tiny case!
While the life raft app needs to be recertified every twelve months (to check air pressure in the bottle and to replace the flashlight batteries, I guess)—I can’t wait to see the raft (version 2.0) inflate and make a fool of my skeptical wife!
I know, I know—just think of how many times Robin Knox Johnson could have sailed around the world if he’d had
an Apple Watch paired with an iCloud subscription? Dozens, maybe?
That’s it for now, faithful readers—I gotta find 5 volts and recharge!
