Saturday, May 18, 2024
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Sailing with Charlie – Pirates

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Mocka Jumbies and Rum...

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Well, now we know it for sure. The pirates of the world are those inhabiting first world industrialized countries while fun loving adventurers in the Caribbean have been taken for a ride. It has become clear that politicians, financiers, captains of industry and corporate executives have been enriching themselves at the expense of all of us. And they were so cunning, quiet and secretive that not an ‘Aaaarhhh’ could be heard amongst any of ‘em. And a lot of struggling ‘thought-they-were-pirates’ in the Caribbean are not happy about it. In fact they’re even planning subtle ways to get revenge.

One pretty young yacht chef Charlie spoke to recently is substituting Whiskas for expensive French pate. “Sour milk sprinkled with ammonia is almost identical to camembert,” she confided. “And there’s a certain part of a donkey’s anatomy that can double as smoked sausage. We’re going to save a fortune.”

“Our cuisine is described as Asian/Continental so we’ll be offering ‘Seafood Bisque.’ This is so easy: you just scrape the bottom of the dinghy and the barnacles and seaweed boiled together make a fantastic soup. Sea slugs are everywhere and sliced thin and dressed up with a bit of dildo cactus they make a fine entrée: this specialty I have christened ‘Aphrodisiac Gourmand.’ It’s all in the presentation—and if they don’t like it, I’ll show ‘em up in front of all their friends. Anyway, they’re usually afraid to admit it for fear of being thought ignorant.”

The young lass would’ve fit right in on the Black Pearl, Charlie thought to himself. Next it was the captain’s turn to describe his cost cutting ideas and Charlie thought he knew straight away what his answer might be. But he was surprised. Instead of watering down the booze he said he’d decided to charge it up a bit. “Yep, hundred per cent alcohol. Get ‘em loaded in a hurry and next morning they won’t care where they are. I’ll just leave the anchorage, cruise for ten minutes and anchor back in the same spot…oh, a few yards away I suppose. Gonna save a fortune in gas. The use of my expensive water toys will be limited to two minutes a day but healthy hiking tours will be encouraged. I mean this is the era of the eco-vacation.  Gas guzzling water sports are out and heart-healthy hiking is in—and forget what it says on the brochure.”

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“Snorkeling will be encouraged too; it’s relatively eco friendly and cheap. But if they start stepping on fragile brain coral or kicking the spindly and jagged stag horn coral, I’ll be on ‘em in a flash. I just can’t afford to let my precious Italian fins get damaged.” Charlie nodded sagely. It was going to be a difficult season but Caribbean crews were gearing up for battle.

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Julian Putley is the author of ‘The Drinking Man’s Guide to the BVI’, ‘Sunfun Calypso’, and ‘Sunfun Gospel’.

So Caribbean you can almost taste the rum...

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