MS SAILOR’S CARIBBEAN HOLIDAY
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.
Spray-paint red, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold marina bills that
Old Salt hasn’t paid yet.
Have BVI Gospel Singers record outgoing
Christmas message for Ship’s answering machine.
Make wreath for cockpit out of Sargasso
that is floating around outside our boat.
Paint wreath with left over bottom paint
from last haul out and decorate with sea shells.
Not enough sea shells. Get new
eyeglasses to wear beneath snorkel when diving for extra shells to put on
Make Christmas Cards with outline of
sailboat imprinted by a homemade potato stamp.
Send Sailor’s Yearly Holiday Newsletter
of places cruised during the past year to all old school chums. Make sure they
Empty all drawers of weapons of mass
destruction (forks, knives, sewing pins, screw-drivers, etc.) in case Homeland
Security plans to visit disguised as Santa.
Have locks made for engine room door and
put up sign that says “Kiddies toys” in case Homeland Security
actually comes aboard.
Begin cleaning the cockpit lazarets for the hiding of Christmas presents and stocking
Go to doctor to get shots for mold and
mildew allergies acquired when cleaning starboard lazaret.
Spray the Sargasso wreath with perfume to hide the awful sea smell.
Spray paint extra seashells collected
after seasonal storms – to be used in boat decorations on Xmas day.
Collect dented oyster shells. They make
excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. Remember not
to bite into them for further dents.
Install plumbing in head. Christmas
guests might not like our bucket. Replace air in sprays for life jackets with Glade "holiday
scents" in case someone has to go overboard after too much holiday cheer.
Child-proof the Christmas Century Plant
with a garland of razor wire. Decorate potty bucket with red bows as
installed plumbing in the head failed.
Adjust pillows in cockpit so each
Christmas dinner guest will be same height while sitting at dinner with paper
plates in their laps. Dye paper towels red to match plates.
Dip sea urchins in gold paint and place
sequins on the end of each spine to
use as toothpicks for small sausages.
Drain bilges; refill with rum punch,
orange slices and cinnamon sticks. Top with nutmeg. Use bucket as filler.
Float votive candles in harbor while
practicing "We Three Sailors of Orient Bay".
Paint Christmas Tree
on steadying sail for festive holiday cheer. Don’t forget large bow on bottom
Do annual good deed for Old Salt. Wash
his favorite ratty shorts and try to find a new hat for him. Give his old one
to King Neptune.
Invite all cruisers you have ever met,
within a radius of 500 yards, for Old Salt’s Bilge Punch. Then you won’t have
to worry about having any friends in the New Year.
Organize Christmas gifts and store in
starboard lazaret to give to sailor friends for
27 up to the 31st
Nap and eat left-overs;
nap and eat more left-overs; nap and eat all
Make resolutions for the New Year.
Contact government to let them know your exact position when shooting off New