Thereâs many other How-To books I want to write: “How To Say Nothing in 100,000 Words”, “How to Pretend to be an Expert on Subjects Your Readers Know Even Less About”, and “How Not to Smirk” are just a few.
Yikes! I just wrote a book entitled STORM PROOFING YOUR BOAT, GEAR, AND CREW and, suddenly, a bunch of people who donât know me think I care whether they live or die. Weird, eh? Evidently they donât understand modern book marketingâthe question isnât whether their corpses wash ashore on a Caribbean beach but rather, prior to their death, did they order the Kindle version or a dead-tree book?
â¦ did they write a book review on Good Reads or Amazon?
â¦ or were their lives completely wasted from my perspective?
Thereâs a lot of humor in my bookâfor instance the hysterical section on shackling your anchor to your scrotumâbut most of my low IQ readers miss the joke, and, well, all of my high IQ readers are non-existent.
I mean, is any sailor really going to attempt to deploy his JSD (Jordan Series Drogue) while snubbing it off on his âsoft bitsâ rather than his hard bitts?
Surely they know Iâm being tongue-in-cheek when I tell them I wake up my sleeping wife from her offwatch by attaching a Kevlar string to her big toe â¦ and then tossing over the Gale Rider. (Never, ever has this failed to wake her upâalthough, alas, once it did knock her unconscious on the companionway ladder as she went shooting up through the cockpit like a naked blood swab.)
I know, I knowâpeople say I lack compassion, but why would I care how they feel?
The new book just isnât PC. Thereâs sexism in itâfor instance, on the section of towing drogues I discuss mother-in-laws at length. The Donald. The entire staff of Faux News.
Actually, I intended to name my new book STORM SPOOFING but my ultra-dumb wife/editor Carolyn misheard.
Thereâs almost nothing I can say in my own defenseâbut, of course, as a professional journalist, that wonât stop me.
For instance, many newbie sailors donât realize that SAR works slightly differently in the States versus the Lesser Antilles.
If I fall overboard off Newport, I call the USCG on my HH waterproof VHF, give them my precise locationâand then report I just saw a swimmer smoking a jointâ and bam, they arrive lickety-split.
Itâs different in Bequia. First off, they show up lickety-spliffâand they bring the papers or a pipe, knowing I wonât have anything dry.
âYa, mon!â one bleary-eyed Admiralty Bay sailor-wid-dreads told me wid obvious cultural pride, âDat sweet, mon!â
Many American yachties are ill-prepared for bad weatherâbut love those US taxpayer subsidized helicopter ridesâespecially since many of the younger USCG dudes will now allow you to bring your rum drink as they hoist you heavenward in the basket.
â¦ wow! What a view! Media coverage! A GoFundMe page!
Yeah, life is strange. Kitty Genovese is stabbed and raped in NYC for hours while her apartment mates draw the curtainsâand we yachties complain if the SAR chopper is ten minutes late or lacks a well-stocked bar.
On the other hand Kitty didnât own a yacht with an EPIRB, so what did she expect?
When I first decided to write a book featuring Jordan Series Drogues, I figured I was fairly qualifiedâthen my meanie-to-the-max wife shook her head negatively and said, âFatty, it is J-S-Dâ¦ thatâs a J, not an L.â
In any event, I believe in education. Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to catch some square grouperâand he and his homeboys can party for a year!
Which brings us back to the subject of strong rum and how its intoxicant is measuredâfor instance, if you chugalug a whole bottle of Bacardiâs best, 151 fellow sailors will have scientific proof youâre drunk.
Which part of STORM PROOFING did I enjoy writing best? The bondage bits, I guess. Yes, a lot of that gear goes both ways, so to speakâthatâs why you find so many Dutch sailors in the porno shops of Amsterdam.
On the other hand, why not have your foulies made out of latex if it turns you on?
In my book I point out the benefit of being sexually tolerant offshoreâmy Garmin GPS has an MOB (man overboard) button, a COB (chick overboard) button, and a SIC (still in closet) option.
Thereâs many other How-To books I want to write: How To Say Nothing in 100,000 Words, How to Pretend to be an Expert on Subjects Your Readers Know Even Less About, and How Not to Smirk are just a few.
Oh, no, my Lite Thoughts on Heavy Weather book isnât for everyoneâfor instance, I have a section entitled Life Raft Etiquette. Thatâs right, Iâve instructed my wife not to staple up any cheesecake pics of me in the life raft, regardless how much she enjoys looking at âem.
â¦ forget the handcuffs, thanksâthey are bound to rust.
Sure, Iâd like to allow my wife into the life raft to join me as well but, hey, it says 8 MAN, and I donât want to break the rules.
If my STORM PROOFING book really takes off, Iâm going to come out with a complete line of âStorm Strutterâ merchandiseâsay, a PFD filled with concrete for your ex-marriage partner, some pre-chafe drogue-rode to your baby-mama (two babies back), and, of course, a Clorox bottle wrapped with lot of string to toss over to mark your mid-ocean grave.
What could be nicer?
Editorâs note: Fatty and Carolyn are currently cashing their royalty checks in Africa.Â
Capân Fatty Goodlander and his wife Carolyn are currently on his third circumnavigation. Fatty is the author ofÂ Chasing the HorizonÂ and numerous other marine books. His latest, Storm Proofing your Boat, Gear, and Crew, is out now.Â Visit:Â fattygoodlander.com