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Sailing With Charlie: Rail Meat

Graphics by Hannah Welch
Graphics by Hannah Welch

The regatta season is here and in full swing. Shiny racing machines line the docks, the bars are full of crews, ranging from lusty deck apes, trim young men and women, hot babes and suavely attired owners. Charlie’s friend Bruce has been out training on a 56ft Swan tipped to do well in Main and Spinnaker Cruising Class in three Caribbean events. He is a much appreciated crew member being strong and thus a useful winch man, and large … Great rail meat. But Bruce has a problem; his lady, a yoga instructor, wants him to lose weight. He’s 5ft 10in and 220lb but she doesn’t know these statistics; still she’s insisting that he must lose 40lb. It’s a conundrum. Should he risk losing his place on the team or perhaps losing his lady?

Charlie’s always full of ideas so when he heard of his friend’s plight he took him aside and made the following suggestion: “Get 10lb of lead shot, put it in a sock and duct tape it to the inside of your thighs. Put your Boxers on and weigh yourself on your bathroom scale, making sure that Lucy (the rather skinny lady friend) is there to see. She’ll be suitably disgusted at your obesity. Then think of all the food that you don’t really like and in a heroic effort of anticipated painful discipline suggest that you cut those items from your diet.”

“Yes, yes, I get it,” Bruce was pretty sharp when it came to scamming. “I don’t really like pasta with white sauce. Whoever Alfredo was he must have been a blimp. Boiled potatoes, bananas; and I can happily live without sweets. I’ll cut out Absinthe and Jagermeister – always hated those, but that’ll be my total commitment from the booze menu. I’m only human, you know.”

Charlie nodded doubtfully, “Yep that should do just fine. And make sure Lucy knows that you’re making painful sacrifices. When you invite her round sit grumpily at the dining table with a plate of rabbit food and a glass of water.

And so it was. Bruce continued his gluttonous ways devouring 16oz sirloin steaks, racks of lamb, rib eyes and large greasy cheeseburgers always with chips and usually washed down with three or four Heinekens. After two weeks he was at home, and again Lucy was invited and immediately admonished her ample boyfriend. “Actually I’m starting to lose weight,” he replied, with a rather hungry and forlorn expression. She gave a doubtful ‘humph’ but sure enough the scales didn’t lie. He had lost almost 8lb.

“Oh Bruce,” she said rather guiltily, “I’m sorry I doubted you, I’m so proud of you. How did you do it? And he told her of his determination and painful sacrifices. That night her lovemaking was particularly intense.

Now Bruce is racing in the BVI Spring Regatta, his favorite. Tonight he’ll be at the awards party and intends to enjoy a full meat pizza and a couple of key lime pies. He also has a new girlfriend waiting in the wings in anticipation of his next weighing in ceremony.

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