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Graphics by Hannah Welch
Graphics by Hannah Welch

Sailing with Charlie: Parties 101

Happy New Year, everyone! Phew, that was quite a party, wasn’t it? The hangover hasn’t really gone away entirely and it’s January 2nd.

Actually I’m just surmising … I’m writing this in November and telepathically moving forward to January, which is, after all, just around the corner. Having a blow out party and not suffering the consequences is an age old conundrum. Can you have your cake and eat it too? Wait a minute – what’s the point of having cake if you can’t eat it? Whoops, perhaps that’s the wrong metaphor.

Charlie knows from years of liver bashing that he can happily have a cocktail and half a bottle of wine and feel fine in the a.m. But if he’s partying from about 9pm until 2am what’s he to do. Yeah, yeah, have a glass of Perrier, you say. And when old ship mate, 300lb Butch comes staggering by and says, ‘What’ll you have, Charlie?’ And Charlie says, rather daintily, ‘a glass of Perrier please, Butch’, you’ll be laughed out of the bar.

Then there’s always some ol’ buddy who’ll come by, ‘Hey, Charlie, come on over, we’re doin’ shots’. Midnight rolls around and the champagne begins to flow. Then there’s that hot babe who always seems to be coming on to you … and although you’ve sworn to never get involved with that mantrap you are now inebriated enough to amble over and chat about some recent imagined macho happening designed to impress – and then of course you have to order a round while whispering unintentional suggestive comments into her ear. Parties: they’re designed to get you in trouble, make you over imbibe and suffer crippling hangovers. But any real man should be able to handle a little hangover – right?

The fact is that cause and effect are woven into the very tapestry of life – if you absorb too much poison you’re going to get sick. So what’s the answer? Charlie explains it this way: Always show up late to parties. At New Year’s Eve arrive at 11.30. You’ll be regaled by all and sundry who by this time are pretty sloshed. You won’t have to think of intelligent conversation because everybody’ll be trying to bend your ear. Pretty girls will have lost all shyness and glassy-eyed male suitors will be getting a bit sloppy. You, on the other hand, are a man who can really hold his liquor. You can even join the boys for a shot or two since, so far, you’ve only had a beer. When the midnight champagne comes around – no problem – have two glasses. Then you can invite that hot babe to go sailing with you tomorrow, and since now you are still a sensible, controlled and stalwart guy you may well be asked to give her a ride home, which could well lead to the first romantic encounter of the New Year.

In the morning, sober as a judge and feeling fine, you go sailing. No embarrassing barfing over the side and you can be extra attentive to that hot babe who may be feeling a bit queasy.

Happy 2015 … and party hardy!

 

Julian Putley is the author of ‘The Drinking Man’s Guide to the BVI’, ‘Sunfun Calypso’, and ‘Sunfun Gospel’.

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