Charlie's job as a charter skipper is to sail his guests to beautiful locations and then to introduce them to fun waterborne activities. This obviously entails guests donning their swimwear, and for some, exposing themselves in a swimsuit can be a disquieting experience. Young women in their twenties often wear skimpy bikinis to show off their gorgeous bodies but suddenly become aware that perhaps too much is showing and spend agonizing moments trying to cover exposed buns by pulling down non-existent fabric.
Mature women, tending to flab, often prefer to wear floral renditions (full top and frilly mini) seemingly made from the spring collection of curtain material. Although this may sound unattractive, it is preferable to exposed tree trunk sized thighs dimpled with cellulite and a bust that is bursting at the seams.
Men also have swimsuit 'issues'. The young fella with abs of steel, a thirty inch waist and buns of tire rubber looks good in a Speedo. For some reason Americans treat this type of swimsuit with derision but for swimming purposes it is undoubtedly the best. Have you ever seen an Olympic swimmer wearing a tent around his waist? Nevertheless, knee-length swimming shorts seem to be in vogue and youngsters often wear boxers under them, with the underwear showing above the beltline of the swimwear, gangsta fashion. Charlie's son is allowed to wear one as long as he's got a bag over his head.
Mature men, so often these days, have love handles, jelly bellies and breasts, so everything jiggles, wobbles and flops. The answer here could be the Borat – it takes all the attention away from the nasty bits. More than likely though the floral-patterned knee-length bags will remain popular; after all, a swimsuit only looks as good as the person wearing it.
Charlie has some advice for the ladies regarding choice of swimsuits: if you're slim and under thirty check out the Brazilian swimwear web sites. If you're slim and over thirty T-shirts are good; the flimsy, cheap ones are the best. If you're over 80 kilos get the ones with most fabric. If you're a man Charlie doesn't care.
Julian Putley is the author of 'The Drinking Man's Guide to the BVI', 'Sunfun Calypso', and 'Sunfun Gospel'.
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